The Everyday Antics of Lucius Malfoy, Part Two
by Duchess of Inkling
Summary: Yes, this IS part two of The Pureblooded Everyday Antics Of Lucius Malfoy. Sink your greedy little teeth in, I say, and give in, give up to your suppressed lust for idiocy.
1. Chapter 1: Tony The Pony

Chapter 1: Tony the Pony  
  
For reasons that are not for me to disclose, Severus Snape suddenly found himself having to stay at Malfoy Manor for a night. He and Lucius had just finished a very pleasurable night of drinking and old stories, and he decided it was time for bed. "I will show you to your room then," Lucius said, and the two of them got up from the sofa and started to climb the stairs to the guest room which had been prepared for Snape. "Here we are," Lucius said as they entered the room. "Bathroom on the left, the other door is just a closet. Don't go in there unless you want to be...." He paused. "Actually, you probably will want that, but...well, just don't go in there."  
  
Snape raised one eyebrow. He was pretty sure he did not want to know what Lucius was hiding in there. "Alright,' he said. Then he noticed Lucius was looking at him with an all too familiar smile on his face. "No, Lucius. No." he said. "Not that. NO!" He backed away from his friend, who was now advancing upon him with a maniacal glint in his eyes. "NOOOOOOOOO!" he yelled, as Lucius grabbed him and, even though he was smaller than Snape, managed to drag him to the edge of the bed.  
  
"Yes!" Lucius said, trying to pull him down.  
  
"Noooo... Oh, alright then, but only for a few minutes.." Snape sighed. He sat down on the bed, and pulled Lucius onto his lap. He wiggled his knees, singing "Giddy up, giddy up, thestral, wheee" in a less than enthusiastic voice, while Lucius giggled uncontrollably.  
  
Snape's only consolation was, that if someone was to barge in during this, they just would assume they were doing something *very * different, and it would do no new harm to his image or characterisation... 


	2. Chapter 2: Lucius Malfoy Meets A Fellow ...

Chapter 2: Lucius Malfoy Meets A Fellow Freudian Character From British Children's Literature  
  
With a loud "crack" Lucius Malfoy appeared in the bedroom of a young girl. He was just getting ready to loom threateningly at her bedside, when he noticed someone standing at the other side of the bed. He squinted, and then noticed that it was, in fact, a pirate with a large plumed hat. "Do you mind??" He hissed at the pirate. "I'm trying to kidnap little muggles here."  
  
"No," the pirate replied, waving the hook that was used to replace his hand, "but I was here first. And besides, pirates are much scarier than sissy wizards."  
  
"Excuse me," Lucius said, raising his eyebrows and staring at the pirate disdainfully, "but pirates are simply glorified muggle thieves. And you, sir, in particular, are nothing more than a Freudian fantasy in the mind of a eleven year old girl with a humungous Oedipus complex."  
  
"I know you are, but what am I?" The pirate replied simply.  
  
Lucius frowned, thinking about this. After a short while he turned back to the pirate and said: "Actually, you are right.but I.." The pirate was gone, and the girl's bed was empty. He looked around, but there was no trace of either of them.  
  
"Oh, fiddlesticks." He sighed, and left the room to see whether she had, perhaps, a little brother. 


	3. Chapter 3: Neville Longbottom Serves A V...

Chapter 3: Neville Longbottom Serves A Very Interesting Detention  
  
The heavy black door to Snape's office swung open. "Simply astonishing, how you've managed to be only ONE minute late this time, Longbottom. Come in." Snape said, glaring down at Neville, who timidly crept past his professor, cowering. "Listen, Longbottom. Tonight will be a ... special detention." Snape said, as he closed the door and swept away past Neville into his office. "A good, good friend of mine is visiting me tonight, and I can not allow my social life to suffer under your mind boggling incompetence, so he will be joining us, and you are not to be in our way. Understood?" He slowly sank down into a chair, still glaring at Neville with contempt in his black eyes.  
  
"Yes, sir." Neville said, trembling slightly.  
  
"Good." Snape said. The door swung open again. Neville gulped, as he saw Lucius Malfoy looming in the doorway. "Meet our companion for the evening; Mr Neville Longbottom." Snape said, raising his eyebrows and indicating Neville, who was currently attempting to assess what the reigning emotion was in his mind; fear, or anger.  
  
Lucius' cold blue eyes found Neville. A slight smile appeared on his face. "Pleased to meet you..Neville," he said, walking slowly and haughtily towards Neville.  
  
"P....pleased to meet you, sir," Neville replied, gazing up at the tall, intimidating man.  
  
Lucius bent down quickly, his face now directly in front of Neville's. "Tell me, Neville.." he drawled. Neville started, as a packet of biscuits suddenly appeared before his eyes. A malicious glint flickered in Lucius' eyes "Tell me...would you like to play soggy biscuit?" 


	4. Chapter 4: Lucius Malfoy, The Ghost Of J...

Chapter 4: Lucius Malfoy, The Ghost Of Jizzy Joe  
  
A terrifying screech awoke Severus Snape from a rather pleasant dream he had been having about the Headmaster. He opened his eyes and beheld a horrifying, glowing figure floating ominously over his bed.  
  
"Beware of the ghost of Jizzy Joe!" the spectre bellowed, its voice echoing around his room. "A terrible fate awaits."  
  
"Lucius, please," Snape said, turning over and covering his face with his duvet, and went back to sleep. 


	5. Chapter 5: Lucius Malfoy The The Cure Ha...

Chapter 5: Lucius Malfoy Is The The Cure Hair Zombie  
  
After a pleasurable evening spent in the company of one S. Snape, Lucius Malfoy swaggered his way through the Hogwarts castle. He sniggered to himself, as he took from his robes several pots of ShineHead hair gel that he had found in Snape's bathroom, as he climbed up the stairs to McGonnagal's office and chambers.  
  
Minutes later, a swaying, imposing shadow loomed over McGonnagal's bed, a pair of scissors in its hand. It made a few clumsy snipping movements to the witch sound asleep in the bed, before it made its jerky, uncoordinated attack.  
  
The next morning, Snape appeared in the Great Hall, and as he looked around, he noticed that he was, in fact, the only person in Hogwarts who did not have the same haircut as Robert Smith. He laughed inwardly, pleased that Lucius had spent the pots of ShineHead he had stolen from his bathroom the night before so very, very well. 


	6. Chapter 6: Lucius Malfoy Says Oomph

Chapter 6: Lucius Malfoy Says "Oomph!"  
  
One day, Lucius Malfoy bumped into Severus Snape. "Ooomph!" he exclaimed, as he fell backwards onto the ground. Snape offered his hand, and pulled him up again.  
  
"I cannot believe I just said oomph," Lucius said, wiping the dust from his robes, "It's not even polysyllabic!" 


	7. Chapter 7: Lucius Malfoy Buys A Pan In A...

Chapter 7: Lucius Malfoy Buys A Pan In A Bookshop  
  
(A/N: special thanks to Morrissey, for hanging many, many DJs)  
  
One day, Lucius Malfoy entered a bookshop. He strutted up to the counter, and said to the shop assistant: "I would like to buy a pan."  
  
"Excuse me, but.." the man begun, but Lucius interrupted.  
  
"Look, I am in quite a hurry. Just show me your best pan, and I'll buy it." Lucius said, narrowing his eyes at the confused, stuttering shop clerk.  
  
"Sir, I would like to, but this is a bookshop." The man finally managed to say.  
  
"Frankly, it does not matter in the least to me what this is," Lucius hissed angrily. "I need a pan. Now."  
  
"Alright, just a minute," the clerk finally said, wiping his forehead with a small, suspicious-looking handkerchief, and he dashed off.  
  
After a while he emerged, carrying a small book. "There you are, sir," he said, handing Lucius the book. Lucius gazed at it. "Peter Pan" it said on the cover.  
  
"So this is a pan?" he asked. "Are you sure this can be used for cooking?" He shot the shop assistant a short, but fierce glare.  
  
"Well, it is the closest we can get to a pan.." The man replied, again wiping his forehead when he noticed Lucius did not seem very pleased.  
  
A week later, as police were investigating a mass murder by hanging of DJ's in the nearest park, they found a local shop assistant, who looked like he had died of having been force-fed over 20 copies of Peter Pan. 


	8. Chapter 8: Is This Mask A Suitable Sort ...

Chapter 8: Is This Mask A Suitable Sort Of Disguise?  
  
Lucius Malfoy entered the deserted factory where the Death Eaters meeting was to take place and joined the small group of cloaked and masked people that was already gathered around their leader Lord Voldemort. He approached his master and was just bending over to kiss his hand, when suddenly Voldemort shouted: "What is that on your face? All Death Eaters are to wear masks when gathered in groups!"  
  
"This is a mask..of sorts." Lucius said, touching his face, which was chalk- white with some cream, apparently not at all concerned. "See, my face is white, and covered, and yet my skin is being cleansed and rejuvenated as we speak and/or commit unspeakable atrocities."  
  
Voldemort gazed at him for a few moments, his red eyes glittering ominously. The other Death Eaters were silent and did not move, in anticipation of the Dark Lord's answer. Finally, Voldemort spoke. Indicating his own white, scaly skin, he said; "Can you get some of that for me?" 


	9. Chapter 9: Lucius Malfoy And The Other D...

Chapter 9: Lucius Malfoy And The Other Death Eaters Go On Their Annual Expedition (A/N: Thanks to Lady Twatterby!)  
  
"Time, I think, to decide on a field trip destination for this year," Voldemort announced one night. "We have two options; VOLDEMORTWORLD or.. MALFOYLAND."  
  
"Malfoyland, Malfoyland, Malfoyland....!" Lucius yelled excitedly.  
  
Snape groaned. This was going to be a very long May 16th.  
  
"Eh....can't choose," said everyone else, scared to be cursed by either Voldemort or Lucius Malfoy.  
  
"How about ...." Snape started.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOO" yelled Voldemort. "I want VOLDIEWORLD!"  
  
"Spoiled little.." muttered Snape through gritted teeth.  
  
"No, I want Malfoyland!" whined Lucius.  
  
"And I want to get out of this room. Right. Now." Snape said. 


	10. Chapter 10: In His Spare Time, Lucius Ma...

Chapter 10: In His Spare Time, Lucius Malfoy Enjoys Gnomes, Bowler Hats, And Syntax  
  
"Say, Severus," Lucius Malfoy said, smiling suggestively, "do you like..syntax?"  
  
"Syntax?" Snape said, raising one eyebrow. "Well, it's alright, why?"  
  
"Alright, eh?" Lucius said, leaning back and grinning, "Lot of experience with syntax, then, I take it?"  
  
"Quite extensive, actually," Snape said, "Took a course in it in my 7th year."  
  
"A course?" Lucius said, surprised. "What, you mean at Hogwarts?"  
  
"Yes, of course." Snape said, rather confused.  
  
"My word, I didn't know they taught such * interesting * subjects there," Lucius said. "If only I'd have known, maybe..." He did not finish the sentence, leaving Snape to fill in the blanks.  
  
Snape coughed embarrassedly. "Lucius.." He started.  
  
Lucius looked up at him, his eyes still glittering with thoughts of past pleasures.  
  
"Syntax is NOT a clever word for sex." Snape then said.  
  
Lucius looked at him, bewildered. "Eh...." he said, "I knew that!" 


	11. Chapter 11: The Fat Lucius Malfoy Sang A...

Chapter 11: The Fat Lucius Malfoy Sang A Spiritual  
  
"I'm not fat!" Lucius Malfoy protested, and ran out of the story as fast as he could, grumbling to himself angrily. 


	12. Chapter 12: Lucius Malfoy, Ididn’tdoitMa...

Chapter 12: Lucius Malfoy, I-didn't-do-it-Man, and Severus Snape, He-didn't- do-it-Boy, Super Heroes By Name And Nature  
  
Severus Snape arrived in the living room of Malfoy Manor, to find that Lucius Malfoy was not actually there. There were, however, several muggles on the floor, all tied up with what looked like pink duct tape. They started to wiggle as they noticed Snape, who looked at them, faintly disgusted.  
  
"Ah, hello Severus," he heard Lucius say behind him, and he turned around, to see Lucius descending the stairs and making his way around the bound muggles, apparently not noticing them.  
  
"Lucius," Snape said to him, "what are all these muggles doing here? It's really not wise to keep them here, the Ministry is."  
  
Lucius interrupted him. "Oh, but I did not do this," he said, matter-of- factly, "RICHARD did."  
  
At these words, an ugly looking bloke started to wiggle violently and mumble what sounded suspiciously like "No I didn't" into the duct tape that had been used to gag him.  
  
"Shut it, you," Lucius said, whacking the boy over the head with his cane. 


	13. Chapter 13: Severus Snape Sincerely Regr...

Chapter 13: Severus Snape Sincerely Regrets Leaving Lucius Malfoy In Charge Of The Cake  
  
"Thanks for helping me make Lupin's birthday cake, Lucius," Severus Snape sighed, as he looked at Lucius Malfoy, who was completely covered in chocolate icing, even under the shower cap he had used to keep his hair clean, "but next time, why don't we try to get the icing on the cake instead of on you."  
  
Lucius was not paying attention, but was busy trying to lick icing from his nose. "I'm going to wash my hands now," Snape said, "and try not to eat the cake, nor rub it over your body, however * sex0r * you may look in it." He sighed again, and walked away.  
  
When he returned, he found that the cake was gone, and Lucius'face was now smeared with crumbs as well as icing. "Merlin's beard, Lucius!" he groaned, "why did you eat the cake? Now we have to start all over again."  
  
Lucius looked up, and said: "It wasn't me, it was Richard."  
  
From a cabinet there came a muffled yelling of what sounded like "No I didn't", but Lucius merely said: "Shut it, you" and whacked the cabinet over the head with his cane. 


	14. Chapter 14: Happy Valentine's Gay!

Chapter 14: Happy Valentine's Gay!  
  
On a bright day in February, Severus Snape once again stepped out of the fireplace in Lucius Malfoy's bedroom. He looked around and saw nothing but a storm of pink objects. He rubbed his eyes, in case he had gotten pink ash in them (nothing was impossible at Malfoy Manor), but when he opened them again, the room was still covered in flowers, pink teddy bears and an array of random heart shaped things. "Lucius?" he called out to the pink mass.  
  
A head popped out from behind a particularly vile, gigantic pink plush bear that was blinking its enormous, radiant eyes and smiling in a rather frightening fashion. It was, of course, Lucius' head.  
  
"Oh, hello Severus," it said. "Look at all the presents I've been sent!" Arms appeared next to the head and gestured towards the sea of pink that was surrounding them.  
  
"Yes, very tasteful, Lucius," Snape said, "been sending yourself presents again?"  
  
Lucius shook his head violently. "No! No! Of course not! It was sent to me by some secret admirer. Actually, I think I know who it was."  
  
"Really, who?" Snape said, utterly uninterested and trying to keep his eyes closed as much as possible to avoid a headache caused by overexposure to pink.  
  
"Richard." Lucius said, triumphantly.  
  
"No, I didn't!" a muffled voice said from what Snape thought was inside the gigantic pink bear.  
  
"Shut it, you," Lucius replied, whacking the bear over the head with his cane. 


	15. Chapter 15: Congratulations, Watson, on ...

Chapter 15: Congratulations, Watson, on your almost Freudian brilliance  
  
The first year Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws, already accustomed to Snape's style of teaching, slowly crept into the Potions classroom, as though none of them wanted to be first. Snape grimaced as he watched the tiny robed figures nearly fight for the places in the back of the classroom. When they had finally settled down, he gave them a lengthy stare, cleared his throat and began.  
  
"Firstly, I want you all to take your wand from your pants.....I mean, robes." He coughed. Where did that come from? "You will need it to stick into....I mean, harden the...No, poke....you will need it to light my....no, THE fire."  
  
He paused, closed his eyes for a few moments, and sighed. The class were looking at him, puzzled expressions on their little faces.  
  
"Then each of you will get a knob,....no, knife from the cupboard over there...." He pointed his wand at the cupboard and the doors flew open. He cursed himself, but decided to act like nothing out of the ordinary had happened. "....and your ingredients from over there...and there..... Then chop up the penis...I mean, roots, put them into the....." it took him a while to avoid the word that kept popping up in his mind and say ".....cauldron. Then add some jizz....I mean, pixie dust...."  
  
He looked up, and saw that nearly the entire class was trying very hard not to laugh. "As the upcoming part of the penetration.....I mean, preparation, is very hard..... difficult, and most of you are so mentally challenged, it will require your undivided detention...I mean, attention..."  
  
He sighed again, then simply gave up, and walked out of the classroom, telling himself that he had been spending far too much time in the company of Lucius Malfoy. 


	16. Chapter 16: Lucius Malfoy Is Board Out O...

Chapter 16: Lucius Malfoy Is Board Out Of His Mind  
  
(A/N I'm sorry about the title. Really am.)  
  
"Welcome to the 12th meeting of the board this year. The chairman for tonight is Cornelius Fudge, the scribe will be Lucius Malfoy," Dolores Umbridge said, and sat down to Fudge's left. On his right Lucius Malfoy was hunched over some parchment, apparently eager to start writing, as he was hopping up and down in his chair excitedly.  
  
"The first issue on the list...." Fudge started.  
  
Lucius wrote down; "The Chairman Richard Rarararararara Dobby rarararararara Richard." Then he got distracted and started to draw pirates in the margins of the page.  
  
Fudge cleared his throat, looking at Lucius who was still scribbling enthusiastically, even though he had finished talking about the first topic minutes ago. Lucius looked up. "Noted, chairman." He said, and immediately went back to his drawings.  
  
"Secondly, the difficulties that have been encountered...." Fudge went on.  
  
"Malfoy rararararararara dobby rarararara knickers rararararara Malfoy rararararara bathtub." Lucius wrote down.  
  
It went on like this for ages, and while several members of the board were falling asleep in their armchairs, Lucius Malfoy kept on writing feverishly.  
  
"Before I declare this 12th meeting of the board closed," Fudge said, "are there any last questions or comments?" As most of the audience was asleep, there was no answer. "Scribe, no comments or questions?" Fudge said, turning to Lucius.  
  
"I'm a fully grown man!" Lucius replied, obviously feeling insulted.  
  
"Hey, that's my line!" Richard said from under the table.  
  
"Shut it, you," Lucius said, whacking Richard over the head with his cane. 


	17. Chapter 17: Lucius Malfoy Heartily Apolo...

Chapter 17: Lucius Malfoy Heartily Apologises For The Lack Of Richard In This Story  
  
Lucius Malfoy came walking into the Hog's Head in very strange apparel. He had his cloak on backwards, was wearing socks over his shoes, and his gloves on his ears. Worse still, his beautiful hair was dishevelled and in the back, a bright pink curler was still stuck in it. There were big stains of what Snape hoped was tea or milk on his robes. He strode over to Severus Snape's table, looking very, very displeased.  
  
"Gods, Lucius, you look awful." Snape said, gazing at him in disbelief. "What happened? Is Dobby back?"  
  
"No." Lucius said, scowling. He peeled a piece of buttered toast from his shoulder.  
  
"Did you get into another scuffle with a muggle maid? I told you before...." Snape said.  
  
"No." Lucius interrupted, and sat down.  
  
"Don't tell me you've finally found a new house elf." Snape said.  
  
"Actually, we have." Lucius said, pulling the gloves from his ears.  
  
"What's its name?" Snape asked.  
  
"Spazzy." 


	18. Chapter 18: Itsy Bitsy Lucius Malfoy Cli...

Chapter God Knows How Many: Itsy Bitsy Lucius Malfoy Climbed Up A Water Spout  
  
'Itsy bitsy spiiiider climbed up a water spoouutt....' sang Lucius Malfoy.  
  
'Lucius, your hand is NOT itsy bitsy spider, and my trouser leg is NOT a water spout." Severus Snape replied. 


	19. Chapter 19: For He’s A Jolly Good Fellow...

Chapter 19: For He's A Jolly Good Fellow, And So Say None Of Us  
  
(A/N: I find it fascinating, the way these stories grow stranger every time)  
  
Lucius Malfoy, Severus Snape, and Remus Lupin were sitting in the most exclusive restaurant in Knockturn Alley. They were all wearing evil-looking party hats, and expressions of smugness (in Lucius' case), embarrassment (that was Snape), and utter despair (Lupin).  
  
"Happy birthday, Severus!" Lucius proclaimed, raising his glass of suspiciously blood-like wine. He nudged Lupin, who also mumbled "Happy birthday" in a less than happy voice. "Wasn't it generous of Remus to offer you this lovely dinner for your birthday?" Lucius said to Snape. He grinned at Lupin, whom he had forced to pay for this meal (he could, since Lupin was his property) and who, in reply, muttered something about not being able to pay the rent nor any food for two months, which Lucius ignored.  
  
"Of course, you'll be getting MY present tomorrow, when it's really your birthday," Lucius said to Snape, who was gazing at Lupin with distrust. "A toast! To the one and only Severus Snape!" Lucius said, and they all had a sip of their wine, before progressing to their food.  
  
Lupin, who hadn't had anything to eat except two chocolate frogs the last three days, immediately grabbed his meat of undisclosed origin with both hands, and proceeded to rip it apart with his teeth in a rather wolf-like fashion. Lucius gave him a meaningful glare and annoyed snort, and Snape rolled his eyes and sighed, but Lupin ignored them and continued to eat.  
  
Lucius snorted again, and Snape sighed, but to no avail. A few bits of meat had now landed in Lupin's hair.  
  
Lucius snorted a loud reproachful snort, and Snape gave a very annoyed sigh, but Lupin only attacked his food with renewed enthusiasm.  
  
Lucius took a very deep breath and snorted a very long, angry snort, that made several of the people on nearby tables turn around and look. Snape rolled his eyes extra hard and sighed very violently.  
  
Lupin paused for a moment and looked up at them both. Lucius was gasping and snorting repeatedly, and Snape kept sighing deeply. He gulped, and resisted the urge to have a look at what was going on under the table. He knew they were supposedly best friends, but not THIS good. And in public, too. Feeling slightly embarrassed, he tore a long strip of flesh from his leg of whatever it was, and chewed it for a while.  
  
Lucius assumed a look of utmost disgust at this, snorted a last time, and stood up. "This is unbearable," he said, and walked away, shaking his head in disbelief.  
  
"Well done, Lupin," Snape snarled at Lupin, throwing down his napkin and shoving his plate aside in exasperation, and he stared moodily at his glass of wine, before downing it in one go.  
  
Lupin looked up at him guiltily. Then he pointed at the barely touched, dodgy looking mass on Snape's plate, and said: "Are you going to finish that?" 


	20. Chapter 20: Best In Show For The Utility...

Chapter 20: Best In Show For The Utility Group: Lucius Malfoy (A/N 1: Made possible by Crufts!)  
  
"Many happy returns, Severus!" said Lucius, as he handed Snape an enormous package wrapped tastefully in green paper decorated with writhing silver snakes. He looked at Snape with such an utterly smug expression on his face, and such an eerily familiar twinkle in his eyes, that Snape immediately suspected something. His eyes narrowed, and he very, very carefully tore the paper from the box, and then took a step back and opened the box with a short flick of his wand. He was surprised to see two house elves' faces appear above the walls of the box. One had an undeniably rabid, horny look in his crazed eyes, the eyes of the second were glazed and it had strange white smears on its face.  
  
"What on earth are those?" Snape said, backing away.  
  
"House elves, of course!" said Lucius, his eyebrows raised in amusement. "From the same litter as mine. Wonderful family tree, you know, fantastically bred. If I were you, I'd consider showing them. Though they probably do need a bit of training."  
  
The box started to wobble as the first house elf assaulted it, and on the side of the other, the cardboard seemed to have become rather soggy.  
  
"Yes. Quite." Snape said warily, still backing away. "So, what are they called?"  
  
Lucius picked the first one up by its neck. It wiggled and tried to assault his arm. "This one is called Ch Am Humpty Dumpty....." he let it down again.. "....and this one...." He stuck the head of his cane under the collar of whatever rag it was wearing and lifted it into the air, "....is Am Ch All that Jizz...." He set the house elf down, looking faintly disgusted, and polished the head of his cane with his handkerchief for a few moments before continuing. "So, in day to day usage you may call them Humpy.... and Jizzy."  
  
(A/N: Ah! There you are. Now come here so our judges can give you a thorough fondle and decide whether you, my gentle reader, are good enough to enter the next competition, which will be coming soon to a fanfiction site near you (this one, for the mentally challenged among you); you guessed it, The Prestigious And Continued Antics Of Lucius Malfoy! The long awaited third episode of this world renowned saga of life, violence, and house elves with ridiculous names! Yes, more Richard, more oddity, a report of what all those house elves are up to, and more stupidity from our protagonist with the honey-coloured hair. Put away those hankies, gentle readers, for 'tis but a brief goodbye! Sincerely, The Duchess.) 


End file.
